This is me, a part of me used to write often like this. I had a journal through middle school full of thoughts, poems, and ideas. It has been some time but recently I sat down on a rock in a field and wrote all of this in the notes on my phone. It is much different compared to all of my blog post, but this is a part of me, and I wanted to share it.
That recharging feeling when the sun is shining, the birds singing, the wind bristling through the trees, the first signs of spring in the year, the breath of fresh air.
It’s simplicity is raw and beautiful, with tints of winter browns and tans, with green peaking up below.
When did life become so easy to visualize and breathe again, once like your old self that has been hanging away in the closet. The fresh cool breeze, and the warmth of the sun on your face, giving new life. Bringing the meaning back to your soul.
When one no longer hears the birds chipper to each other, no longer hear the frogs croak in the low water areas, then what happened to you, what darkened your soul, who closed your ears and blinded your eyes?
The bunnies scurrying away, and you simply just sit there, what scared them away, what made them run and leave their hideaway?
And sometimes there are those low moments of silence with the faint sound of a train whistle just miles away in town.
The country air is where one recharges, one becomes renewed with their mind, body and soul. Where one remembers why life is so precious, why we should wait and have patience, why we should walk slower and plan less, be more present, be more open and loving to all.
Is it not God’s reminder to us? He loves us, and gave us all the world. His reminder that we are His treasures, that He adores us more than any natural beauty to man’s eye?
Ahhh yes my soul, He loves us so.
Oh it has been so long…. years… many years since I could write like this. Years since I heard those little voices inside of me giving me hope. Oh. How I’ve missed them! I’ve spent years longing for my voice to come back! Why oh why has it taken so long? I don’t know, but I love that it has returned.
I know my heart has turned bitter, the child like heart has faded away, and when I look out the window it saddens me, how one gets childhood stripped away. The innocence of childhood memories, tainted with newfound information that should have been kept away in a lock box in the bottom of the ocean. But it’s too late, the eyes have seen the horrors, and ears have heard the painful words, one’s heart will never be the same, one’s memories never the same.
The world is cruel, full of many cruel people, teachers, and family, even friends. That teacher who never let you feel inspired, who’s only wish was to make you devalued, underachieving and disapproved. That friend who belittles you, who was never there for you. That family member who was full of lies, who only used you for their benefits, a childhood full of deceiving family. Oh how one can wish to simply toss away the bitter thoughts, the haunted memories. But the heart had caught the disease, it doesn’t simply disappear, it takes time and years of healing, tender care paired with tender thoughts. The body is ones personal garden it must have personal care, it must be maintained, one’s body will be entangled in weeds in just days, one must stay focus on the tender care, must remember why they want to keep a beautiful garden, and must remember why the weeds choke out life. The weeds drain the body, will take it over in no time, oh don’t let the weeds win.
Once the soul gets captured in the weeds it can stay entangled as long as weeds are watered. Don’t water the weeds instead of flowers, don’t pull the flowers and leave behind the weeds. One can choose to be entangled and not want to work in their garden while others trip and fall and all of sudden are loss in the unknown. Confused how they got there, they woke up early each morning and somehow fell into darkness. The darkness consumed them until they wobbled out of the dark and back into the familiar light. It is sad how it all came to be, the reality one has to face, some days the heart aches out calling for the old friend they knew, but life changed them, they are no longer the same.
Sometimes it is too painful to look back, sometimes one must close the door completely and never reconsider the door, but it seems one cannot always close the door, sometimes the door will not close as much as you wish it would, and you fight the door and you even want to slam it shut, but it stays there wide open. One doesn’t understand why the lesson cannot be finished, why one cannot just move on, but the door stays open for reason one may never know.